Regular

vampireapologist:

vampireapologist:

just want to share some thoughts about finding peace.

as someone with a lot of trauma in my childhood i have spent so long and so much grief wishing i could go back and time and save that little kid, because that kid so desperately needed saving, but i’ve always thought it’s too late, bc it all already happened, and no one saved her, so she’ll never be saved and she’ll never be okay,

and i’ve spent the second half of my life mourning the first half.

but my therapist recently made me realize, that little kid is still inside me. i was her, and in a lot of ways i still am her, because i still carry her pain. it’s not too late. she needed an adult to listen to her, and i am that adult. i’m listening. i can tell her that none of it was her fault, and she can believe me, and i can believe me.

she’ll be okay, because i’ll make sure of it, and then I’ll be okay. you can be okay. if you find yourself carrying a lot of hurt, and blaming yourself, or anyone, think of the child who went through that. because no matter what you think of yourself, you know a child didn’t deserve that. and it’s time an adult told them so.

Since I posted those journals I drew in second grade, and so many people are messaging me telling me they relate, I thought I’d share this again. Realizing I can be the adult I needed as a child really changed my life. It was the moment of revelation I thought only happened in therapy on TV and in books and movies.

Every time I feel grief over the things my childhood trauma and mental illness stole from me, I don’t have to push it away anymore and try to move on without addressing it. I can think of that little me, and I can say “it’s okay. I’m an adult, and I’m listening. This isn’t your fault. You’re doing a good job. You are loved. I love you.”

And I know it sounds like a cliche, but that part of me, that kid that was so afraid, feels that love. And then I can move on.

So no one came to save us when we needed it most. We really can save ourselves. I believe in you.